On Asking for Help

I come from a long line of people who often say "I'm fine." It's genetic, I think, because it's taken twenty-two years for me to realize that there are times when I'm really not okay, and that sometimes I really do need help.

I remember being in the midst of a deluge of crappy things about a year ago, feeling so unanchored and so overwhelmed. It was one of the most difficult periods of my life so far, and it had gotten to a point where I knew I had to stop internalizing all of the stress and the heartache and the confusion if I wanted to continue (or maybe go back to) being a fully-functioning human. It was out of my comfort zone and I mentally went back and forth on the decision dozens of times, but I finally reached out to a number of therapists. I remember emailing a few different individuals, palms sweating and full of self-doubt and embarrassment at my admission of needing help. I'll never forget a line in the response email from the therapist I ended up choosing: ". . . sometimes you need somebody that's not a friend or family member to throw you a life saver." The image made perfect sense to me. I've always been a private person, and feared that I would be burdening others if I unloaded my weights on them. So there I was, treading water and not being sure what to do or who to call when I was tossed some help. I felt relief just picturing the scene.

In retrospect, seeking help through therapy was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I often joke with my sister that I'm going to start gifting everyone I know therapy for birthdays and Christmas gifts (and if I had the money I truly would). Therapy in all its forms is pretty stigmatized—I experienced that first-hand when I realized how sheepish I was to seek it out, how quiet I've been about it since, and how queasy I've been about sharing it here. And herein lies the problem. What have we done to make asking for help, whether it's from a therapist, or from Mom or Dad or Grandma, or from a best friend or a total stranger, or from the Universe itself, something to be ashamed of?

In the words of Monica Potter, "You have to have help—people with the same vision as you and people you trust."

I recently had a delicious conversation with a colleague and friend that has worked as a therapist for decades. He described an exercise that can help when we're feeling discouraged or embarrassed or in need of help (a.k.a. when we're being human) and my heart nearly exploded I loved it so much. Try it right now: Think of something that you're currently struggling with, then think of someone in your life—living or deceased, near or far—that you love and admire. If you can't think of a particular person, create one in your mind. Imagine sharing what you're currently struggling with with this person or being. Imagine that someone not being irritated or annoyed or confused by you. Imagine them with complete serenity, understanding and compassion, loving you wildly even when you're in this horribly stuck place. No judgment, no condemnation. What would they say to you?

That exercise feels like a warm cup of tea to me, and I've found that practicing it in my mind emboldens me to speak up, or at least to tell the truth when somebody asks me how I'm doing. (I also want to write "love wildly" all over everything.) I have a friend that often says, "How are you really doing?" It sort of gives me a kick in the butt to be real, and to trust that there are listening ears and open hearts and cozy shoulders waiting for me to sometimes say, "Not that great."

Pssst, here's more:

This post by Joanna Goddard illustrates all of this quite perfectly. The comments made my heart melt.

In my humble opinion, Humans of New York is one of the best things to happen to humanity in the 21st century. Following photographer Brandon Stanton on social media turns my world around and upside down on a regular basis, and I can't get enough of it. It helps me to understand that all of us suffer and that nobody is perfect, myself included.

If you're considering therapy: Finding a therapist that's a good fit for you can sometimes be a discouraging experience, but I promise you they are out there! I highly recommend GoodTherapy.org in your search. Do your best to research potential therapists' backgrounds and approaches, then have an honest conversation about what you're experiencing. Don't be afraid to test out a few—finding someone with an approach that gels with your needs can be positively life-changing.

In case you missed it, read this post about being your own worst enemy or your own best friend.

May the (love)force be with you.

(Artwork by Sarah Walton)