Marni Takes New York: 10 Notes From the Subway

Marni took a leap of faith and moved to New York City last July. She recently wrote me, "I write little notes here and there to myself on the train and take notes about everything that has been swirling around in my brain since moving to the city." And that's exactly what this post is—subway notes by Marni Vail.

Note 1

The other day in church I was thinking about how I never want to fall “out of touch,” but that I wouldn’t even remember how to not fall “out of touch” if I was “out of touch,” because it just happens so naturally. Like a ball of yarn unraveling—it falls off the couch, your cat or baby gets a hold of it and you just don’t notice. It happens slowly, never on purpose. And then you wake up one day and have no idea what happened and there’s no clues. So I decided to make a list of things that concerned me at critical stages in my life, so that when I have kids I will remember how it feels. What it's like to be a little kid when you're learning how to tell the truth, how to include people and feel included. What it's like to be a teenager and wonder about boys, or to be in high school and learn how to not get caught up in the caste system, to be your own kind of cool and to love your body. Or how it feels to be in your mid twenties and single, and wonder if you will ever get married or be able to support yourself. I guess this is sort of like that.

Note 2

The snow is falling again. Which means it’s the first day of spring in New York I guess. This city is so strange. Different from anywhere I’ve ever lived. It’s dirty, addicting, expensive, and enthralling. I feel like a full-length mirror here in the city. Reflecting a million tiny dreams in my heart and wanting to be a little drop of everything I see and feel. To write things, act, sing, make short films, create art, dance, perform, do stand up comedy even, befriend strangers and get to the bottom of their hopes and dreams while I try to live out mine. This city is so full of people doing so many different things. Maybe that’s why I moved here in the first place, I couldn’t make up my mind. When I lay in my bed at night and the streets are finally quiet, I feel just like a pair of freshly washed socks tucked in the back of a drawer, stacked safely on top of a whole bunch of other socks. The night sky blanketing me and all the tiny people in the city, making us all one. That's why I think I secretly love emergency situations—we are all one in emergencies—we are the most human when we have no control at all.

Note 3

Leo Tolstoy said in the beginning of one of his books, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I think at night were all alike. We all rely on the same thing to take us over, sleep. All tucked safely in our beds, and in the morning we break apart again like a 5,000 piece puzzle. There are some things though that no matter how different we are, we all yearn for, and need. Touch. I miss human touch here. So much that when I accidentally run into someone or they run into me, I don't mind at all. In fact, I almost want people to run into me so that I remember I'm not just a ghost haunting the city or something.

Note 4

It's easy to feel like a tiny green pea in New York. People pretend not to see you. You pretend not to see anyone. I really like seeing all the different faces on the subway, I don’t like pretending. Older people studying out of textbooks, I secretly admire them for going back to school. I look at all the hard workers that ride the train with me, some dressed in business suits holding leather bags, others with patches on their jeans, and hard hats and utility belts. I admire them all. I wonder about their families or if they even have family in this country or if it was just a dream of theirs to come to New York, and if its what they expected. I feel love for them. Even this man sitting next to me, falling in and out of consciousness trying to do a Sudoku puzzle. He’s threatening to fall asleep on me and has dry skin and dandruff, but I love him too.

Note 5

I've learned a lot since moving to New York. There are things that New York can teach me, but things only I can teach New York. For example, walking. New York has taught me how to walk with purpose, squaring my shoulders taking up a lot of room on the sidewalk and looking people right in the eye. I heard this once: "If you shut your eyes to a frightening sight, you end up being frightened. If you look at everything straight on, there is nothing to be afraid of.'" Akira Kurosawa, Something Like an Autobiography.

I try to look at most everyone I pass in the eyes, not because I’m trying not to be afraid of them, but because I want to show them that they exist in this world.

Note 6

I used to be afraid of a lot of things. My biggest fear has always been dying before my time. I don’t know why. There’s something just so tragic about it. I used to be so shy when I was a little kid. Even my cousin asked me to have a sleepover once and I just stood there quietly because I was too shy to answer her in front of people. I remember I came out of my shell eventually like most kids do. When I was 19 I read an article about how everyone thinks that the spotlight is on them—when they enter a room, when they are speaking, eating, etc. But if everyone thinks the spotlight is on them, the truth is that the spotlight is never really on you, you just feel that way, and so does everyone else. Long story short, nobody cares. No one really cares that much what you do, how you do it, or if you're still single at 27. There is nothing to be shy or embarrassed about. Ever. This is your life; you’re the only one that knows how to live it perfectly. So do what you want to do anyway. Don’t live under a blanket of fear. Unnecessary fear can sink its claws into you and hold you back.

Shrugging off irrational things is really living your life true to you. I’ve heard that the real reason you flip a coin is not so that the coin will decided for you, it's so that your mind will whisper to you what it is you really want, right when the coin is in the air, or when you get that sinking feeling when you see the coin is landing on the decision you don’t really want. You should never play it too safe. Do what you want and be who you want regardless of circumstance. I miss writing and making movies. Picking a subject and delving in. I miss being in school. I also miss having someone to share my life with. I'm going home to eat dinner now and it will be good but I enjoy so much having someone to share my meals with. Life is most flavorful when shared.

Note 7

Sometimes I find my life is just passing so quickly without me having much say in it. I don't like that. Pause every once in a while and glance at what you are creating. If it’s not what you want, then make a plan, act fast and change. Young people breathe such life into things. Older people add depth, wisdom. The people in the middle, like us, I guess we just try to move things around and make life interesting. Make it all mean something while we can. Write our own stories, move, run, and make big decisions. There really are no wrong answers in life. There are only missed opportunities.

Note 8

In New York people can look grumpy or way into what they're doing but they're not. They're just in their little shells copying what everyone else is doing. So when I first moved here I tried to blend in so I did that too. But I’ve realized how much of my true life I’ve been missing out on being “a stone faced New Yorker.” So I’m not doing that anymore and just being myself. Smiling. Touching. Being honest. The day I made that decision, to look into people’s eyes again and smile, I met this girl Carla at an art store who was deaf. I didn’t know she was deaf at first but I complimented her beautiful smooth skin and awesome hair and then she signaled to me that she was deaf. It made me even happier that I reached out to her. She helped me pick out art supplies.

Note 9

Everyone grows up but doesn't have to grow old. When I’m 100 years old I want to look back and see that my heart grew and expanded in all directions. That I progressed and knew what it was like to be a human. Poor, happy, unhappy, lonely, strong, courageous, bold, loving, afraid, compassionate, emotional, resilient. That I knew the magic of friendship, and how it feels to be human. I’m stretching my heart to stay young not because I fear growing old, but because life happens so fast, I want to experience every feeling like it’s the first time. I think that’s what true youth and beauty is. To be young at heart is to feel things deeply and to feel often. You only have one life to live.

Note 10

My mom says I'm strong to make my life from scratch moving out here without really knowing anyone or anything. And that it’s “so impressive.” But anyone can do that really. What is more challenging is staying true to who you are no matter where you go and to remember not to get whisked away into “the norm." Be your own norm and try not to get whisked away into the current of who you think you're “supposed to be." For me to truly live means slowing down to keep up with who I really am.

Editor's note: Love her yet? I met Marni years ago at an impromptu photoshoot put on by our university's photo club. I remember she was magnetic without even trying to be, earnest and loving simply because it came so naturally to her. Radiant in every way, Marni's authenticity still inspires me to shake off my façades and show up in the best of ways.

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(Watercolor sketch by Suhita Shirodkar)