A Letter to Myself: Written by Paris Clavel

When I was young, I felt like everyone I admired was very strongly opinionated and seemed to be of one mind. It was such a secure way to grow up, but so very narrow. Imagine when I got to an extremely diverse college and started to admire people who were nothing like me, who thought nothing like me—who I disagreed with and it was encouraged. My entire frame of reference crumbled, and sifting through the debris I got to choose all of the pieces that would make me who I wanted to be as an individual. As different as that might be from everyone I knew and loved. It was so intoxicating; creating myself apart from anyone else. But I wish I had been bolder sooner, I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time simply being agreeable.

Dear Little Paris,

Yes, you, with the big #12 on the back of your teensy sweater eating your homemade PB&J’s. You’re a Mormon, you’re being homeschooled, you guys don’t drink milk or get the flu shot, you won’t be allowed to wear makeup until you’re fourteen, and your dad makes you listen to Rush Limbaugh every morning. You are seriously the strangest person I know.

You’re already so much more different than you want to be and it makes you so uncomfortable. You’re so tired of not having anything in common with people. So there they stay, tucked away, all your crazy ideas and unique perspectives. Smiling and nodding, going with the flow—you’re the ultimate team player. But sitting atop that fence is going to get uncomfortable really soon. I know it feels safe up there, you don’t have to make up your mind or do anything noticeable, and people love you because you’re so quick to jump on board with their ideas.

But please stop thinking so much about what will make other people feel good or smart or strong, it’s time for you to feel good and smart and strong. It’s time to learn that it is not disrespectful to have a different opinion; it is not selfish to share your own thoughts. It’s not necessary to support every thought shared by others, it is not brave or bold or unique to be a footstool.

Oh little Paris, stop being so agreeable.

You don’t have all the answers, nobody does. But that doesn’t make your real thoughts, feelings, or opinions any less valuable. If you think differently, speak up—even if you end up being the only one. Stop acting so passionate about things you don’t really care about and being so passive about things that might actually matter to you. Everything that makes you unique is getting lost in the shuffle.

One day you will have a beautiful little boy, and as you watch him grow you will feel like he is capable of doing anything, being anything he wants to. And you will feel so much love that you will want to encourage him in whatever he tries to pursue—whatever ideas he has, no matter how different they might be from your own. And so you see you never had to be afraid, you never had to shrink when those you loved and admired felt differently than you. Because in the words of Bernard M. Baruch, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

Oh little Paris, stop being so agreeable. Be brave, be different, be you already.

You can find Paris and her cute (growing!) family at @parisclavel on Instagram. (This is a woman I've looked up to since the day I met her—she's a lover and a fighter and she's brimming with wisdom.)