The Answer Is Love: An Essay by Brenda Smart

When our post on violence got over four hundred views in one day, I knew Love Force had touched on a topic that rang significant for a wide spectrum of people. In response, I reached out to social work clinician Brenda Smart, who's devoted much of her life to helping survivors and perpetrators of violence. Read on as Smart shares why she chooses to open her heart to all parties, and how love can be the most powerful force in the world.

While in my clinical social work masters program, I wrote a paper titled, “What About the Men?” I worked in a shelter in Southern California helping women and children get back on their feet after fleeing domestic violence. I saw first hand the damage that these male abusers had on their victims. However, being a mother of four boys, I often thought to myself, “What about the men? Who is helping the abusers?” I know that question can trigger a lot of negative emotions from women; and I understand. Let me clarify.

I listened to woman after woman share their horrific story of abuse. Although I put on my professional face, my heart would sink as I watched the women physically shake, look terrified, and appear broken as they entered the shelter and had to provide me with details of their abuse. I must stop here and explain what I mean when I say the word "abuse". Most people immediately think of physical abuse. And while it is damaging, the majority of the clients that I worked with often reported that bruises, cuts and scrapes could heal, leaving little visible damage over time. However, they explained that the damning effect of emotional abuse is relived over and over, leaving unseen scars that are never healed yet are always present. Words such as, "You're stupid, ugly, worthless" (and many more too vulgar to share) corrode the spirit. These women were left downtrodden and questioning if their existence mattered. I could write much more on my thoughts of "abuse", but I truly have come to believe that anything less than nurturing can be abuse to the spirit of a person.

One day I discovered a little insight to my question, "What about the men?” I remember meeting with this particular abuser as if it were yesterday. He was around twenty-five years old. I was his seven-year-old daughter's counselor and it was court ordered that he visit with me. I had conducted interviews with my client's mother (24) regarding the horrific abuse she endured and my client witnessed. I was also provided a picture of the abuser that showed a shaved head, gun carrying, heavily tattooed and angry man. I will admit that I was scared to meet with him. Because of my love for the men in my life, I went into the meeting with an open heart to try and learn from this man, to hear his story. He came in equipped with excuses, stories, and anything he could to "sell himself as innocent." As I listened, I felt inspired to show him empathy, kindness and understanding. I was amazed what happened next. He took a sucker that I had set out for my child clients, and he proceeded to suck on it as if it was a pacifier (at least it seemed to me that it offered him that same comfort). He curled up in a ball and cried as he shared with me details of his terrible, loveless childhood. He was shaking, and apologizing profusely for crying. He was embarrassed. I reassured him that it took a strong, brave man to show the vulnerability he had. He too was a victim of abuse. 

Abuse is cyclical. I would guess that 90% of the women that I taught in parenting classes and domestic violence education raised their hands when asked how many of them grew up with domestic violence in the home. And the same amount raised their hands stating that they swore to themselves as children that they would NEVER repeat the same cycle of abuse, yet here they were in domestic violent relationships (side note: on average, a women will go back to her abuser seven times). A majority of those who grow up in a home with domestic violence either identify with the abuser (and grow up to be abusers) or identify with the victim (often finding themselves in relationships with abusers). Unfortunately, we fall back on what is familiar. 

I’m grateful that we have made some positive strides as a society in understanding domestic violence, evidenced by outreach programs, domestic violence education, and many classes in helping the survivors. Although I believe law enforcement has a long way to go (still requiring physical proof of abuse before an arrest can be made), they are making strides in taking domestic disputes seriously. However, I believe as a society we are a long way off in understanding the abuser. We raise boys to "man-up", tell them not cry and suck it up, and the list goes on. The anger that we see released in boys is very often penned up emotions that they do not know how to express, therefore it shows up in bullying, fighting, etc. Depression is often masked as anger in men, while women often show symptoms of depression manifested by crying, laying in bed, feeling overwhelmed. Very seldom do men show those same symptoms. Society tells them that they cannot. They are left confused, not heard or misunderstood. 

We need to unite in opening our hearts in empathy and understanding, not condemnation when we hear a story of domestic violence. I am not saying that we should justify any form of abuse, but I believe our hearts must be open to both women and men in these situations. Government gives grants that help support outreach, shelters, classes, etc. for the women. Yet the jails seem to be the only way out for the men. Therapy is offered to both, but the majority of men have been told that they are less-than or weak if they seek help. They are left stranded with uncontrolled emotions. We must remember that there just may be a little boy inside that abuser with a story of pain that none of us understand. 

Parents: please allow your sons and daughters safety when sharing their thoughts, feelings and emotions. Show them physical and emotional love. If they are raised in an environment of love, there is a much greater chance that LOVE will be the familiar that they fall back on when they are in a relationship.

A portrait of love. Brenda currently lives in Hong Kong with her husband Dave, and makes it a point to spend time with her four sons, four [new] daughters and beautiful grandchildren whenever possible. (While counselors in the United States need to be licensed, Smart was preparing for her state boards when they found out they were moving to Hong Kong. Fortunately, a masters in social work is recognized throughout the world.) She currently volunteers as a counselor in Asia.