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Tuesday, April 7, 2015

"Too Much" by Tyler Ford

do you remember the first time you were called annoying?
how your breath stopped short in your chest
the way the light drained from your eyes, though you knew your cheeks were ablaze
the way your throat tightened as you tried to form an argument that got lost on your tongue.
your eyes never left the floor that day.
you were 13.
you’re 20 now, and i still see the light fade from your eyes when you talk about your interests for “too long,”
apologies littering every other sentence,
words trailing off a cliff you haven’t jumped from in 7 years.
i could listen to you forever, though i know speaking for more than 3 uninterrupted minutes makes you anxious.
all i want you to know is that you deserve to be heard
for 3 minutes
for 10 minutes
for 2 hours
forever.
there will be people who cannot handle your grace, your beauty, your wisdom, your heart;
mostly because they can’t handle their own.
but you will never be
and have never been
“too much.”

Tyler Ford

More Tyler Ford here and here.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

A Letter to My Future Self by McKenzie Bauer


Dear future McKenzie,

Disclaimer: Writing a letter to your future self is a bit strange. I have no idea where my life will be or what what my story will look like. However, I do hope to become a certain type of person and for the most part, I know what it will take to become that.

Anyway, I hope you love your husband even more deeply than you do now because you are crazy about him. As you should be, he’s one awesome guy! I hope that you never take him for granted—not once. Look him in the eyes each night before you fall asleep and tell him how much he means to you and hug him in the morning to let him know that you will always be by his side. Support him and recognize that he has fears and weaknesses, different from your own. You are there to help him overcome them.

Although I am not a mother while I write this, when you have kids of your own, make time to always be a mother, not just a mom. Don’t let problems become more important than your people. Snuggle them. Listen to them. Serve them. Strive to be as much like your mother as possible. And strive to be different as well. Teach them. Love them. And then teach some more. If you’re listening and loving in the right ways, hopefully you will know how to help them.

Don’t be a control freak. This is a problem you deal with every day and it’s a huge (and I mean huge) weakness of yours and you need to get over it. Go with the wind. Breathe and just let things be. Your attitude affects those around you—make sure your attitude is a positive one.

Keep in touch with old friends and make your new friends feel important. Learn from each other. Utilize the relationships in your life to better yourself and others.

Never stop praying.

Take care of your body. Go on lots of walks. Appreciate every sunset. Hug people. Don’t forget to have fun. Hang your kids artwork on the fridge. Stay organized. Keep up on your journal. Work hard.

Have a damn piece of cake every now and then and enjoy every last bite.

Every one of these things (except for the parts about motherhood) are things I am trying to improve on each day and guess what, I fail quite regularly. It’s kind of embarrassing actually, but that's life!

The great thing is, I also succeed. Every now and again I’ll remember to make a phone call to someone whose been on my mind or to say my morning prayers.

Don’t beat yourself up. Ask for help. And be happy.

These are things I am learning now and I hope that you (however you old you are) are also learning these things.

Be kind to yourself and know that I pray for you every day.

I know that God loves you and is looking out for you. He always has been and he always will be. I don’t know what trials you will face or the dark moments that lie ahead but from what I can tell, they always end.

Stay true to who you are but always be willing to accept where you need to change and then execute.

Love,

yourself.

P.S. Love yourself.


This woman is love and light; she's earnest, curious and has one of the biggest hearts I know. Get to know her yourself—find Kenzie on Instagram at @kenzebauer and at her blog here.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Pretty by Kate Makkai

Welcome to Wednesday morning, where poet and speaker Kate Makkai sends shivers down our spines as she delivers "Pretty" into our minds and hearts.


Language-edited version here, though I recommend watching the full version (one-word difference) to maintain the integrity of Makkai's forceful work.

Also—don't miss her interview about beauty, aesthetics and perception with FierceMag.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Marni Takes New York: 10 Notes From the Subway

Marni took a leap of faith and moved to New York City last July. She recently wrote me, "I write little notes here and there to myself on the train and take notes about everything that has been swirling around in my brain since moving to the city." And that's exactly what this post is—subway notes by Marni Vail.


Note 1

The other day in church I was thinking about how I never want to fall “out of touch,” but that I wouldn’t even remember how to not fall “out of touch” if I was “out of touch,” because it just happens so naturally. Like a ball of yarn unraveling—it falls off the couch, your cat or baby gets a hold of it and you just don’t notice. It happens slowly, never on purpose. And then you wake up one day and have no idea what happened and there’s no clues. So I decided to make a list of things that concerned me at critical stages in my life, so that when I have kids I will remember how it feels. What it's like to be a little kid when you're learning how to tell the truth, how to include people and feel included. What it's like to be a teenager and wonder about boys, or to be in high school and learn how to not get caught up in the caste system, to be your own kind of cool and to love your body. Or how it feels to be in your mid twenties and single, and wonder if you will ever get married or be able to support yourself. I guess this is sort of like that.

Note 2

The snow is falling again. Which means it’s the first day of spring in New York I guess. This city is so strange. Different from anywhere I’ve ever lived. It’s dirty, addicting, expensive, and enthralling. I feel like a full-length mirror here in the city. Reflecting a million tiny dreams in my heart and wanting to be a little drop of everything I see and feel. To write things, act, sing, make short films, create art, dance, perform, do stand up comedy even, befriend strangers and get to the bottom of their hopes and dreams while I try to live out mine. This city is so full of people doing so many different things. Maybe that’s why I moved here in the first place, I couldn’t make up my mind. When I lay in my bed at night and the streets are finally quiet, I feel just like a pair of freshly washed socks tucked in the back of a drawer, stacked safely on top of a whole bunch of other socks. The night sky blanketing me and all the tiny people in the city, making us all one. That's why I think I secretly love emergency situations—we are all one in emergencies—we are the most human when we have no control at all.

Note 3

Leo Tolstoy said in the beginning of one of his books, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I think at night were all alike. We all rely on the same thing to take us over, sleep. All tucked safely in our beds, and in the morning we break apart again like a 5,000 piece puzzle. There are some things though that no matter how different we are, we all yearn for, and need. Touch. I miss human touch here. So much that when I accidentally run into someone or they run into me, I don't mind at all. In fact, I almost want people to run into me so that I remember I'm not just a ghost haunting the city or something.

Note 4

It's easy to feel like a tiny green pea in New York. People pretend not to see you. You pretend not to see anyone. I really like seeing all the different faces on the subway, I don’t like pretending. Older people studying out of textbooks, I secretly admire them for going back to school. I look at all the hard workers that ride the train with me, some dressed in business suits holding leather bags, others with patches on their jeans, and hard hats and utility belts. I admire them all. I wonder about their families or if they even have family in this country or if it was just a dream of theirs to come to New York, and if its what they expected. I feel love for them. Even this man sitting next to me, falling in and out of consciousness trying to do a Sudoku puzzle. He’s threatening to fall asleep on me and has dry skin and dandruff, but I love him too.

Note 5

I've learned a lot since moving to New York. There are things that New York can teach me, but things only I can teach New York. For example, walking. New York has taught me how to walk with purpose, squaring my shoulders taking up a lot of room on the sidewalk and looking people right in the eye. I heard this once: "If you shut your eyes to a frightening sight, you end up being frightened. If you look at everything straight on, there is nothing to be afraid of.'" Akira Kurosawa, Something Like an Autobiography.

I try to look at most everyone I pass in the eyes, not because I’m trying not to be afraid of them, but because I want to show them that they exist in this world.

Note 6

I used to be afraid of a lot of things. My biggest fear has always been dying before my time. I don’t know why. There’s something just so tragic about it. I used to be so shy when I was a little kid. Even my cousin asked me to have a sleepover once and I just stood there quietly because I was too shy to answer her in front of people. I remember I came out of my shell eventually like most kids do. When I was 19 I read an article about how everyone thinks that the spotlight is on them—when they enter a room, when they are speaking, eating, etc. But if everyone thinks the spotlight is on them, the truth is that the spotlight is never really on you, you just feel that way, and so does everyone else. Long story short, nobody cares. No one really cares that much what you do, how you do it, or if you're still single at 27. There is nothing to be shy or embarrassed about. Ever. This is your life; you’re the only one that knows how to live it perfectly. So do what you want to do anyway. Don’t live under a blanket of fear. Unnecessary fear can sink its claws into you and hold you back.

Shrugging off irrational things is really living your life true to you. I’ve heard that the real reason you flip a coin is not so that the coin will decided for you, it's so that your mind will whisper to you what it is you really want, right when the coin is in the air, or when you get that sinking feeling when you see the coin is landing on the decision you don’t really want. You should never play it too safe. Do what you want and be who you want regardless of circumstance. I miss writing and making movies. Picking a subject and delving in. I miss being in school. I also miss having someone to share my life with. I'm going home to eat dinner now and it will be good but I enjoy so much having someone to share my meals with. Life is most flavorful when shared.

Note 7

Sometimes I find my life is just passing so quickly without me having much say in it. I don't like that. Pause every once in a while and glance at what you are creating. If it’s not what you want, then make a plan, act fast and change. Young people breathe such life into things. Older people add depth, wisdom. The people in the middle, like us, I guess we just try to move things around and make life interesting. Make it all mean something while we can. Write our own stories, move, run, and make big decisions. There really are no wrong answers in life. There are only missed opportunities.

Note 8

In New York people can look grumpy or way into what they're doing but they're not. They're just in their little shells copying what everyone else is doing. So when I first moved here I tried to blend in so I did that too. But I’ve realized how much of my true life I’ve been missing out on being “a stone faced New Yorker.” So I’m not doing that anymore and just being myself. Smiling. Touching. Being honest. The day I made that decision, to look into people’s eyes again and smile, I met this girl Carla at an art store who was deaf. I didn’t know she was deaf at first but I complimented her beautiful smooth skin and awesome hair and then she signaled to me that she was deaf. It made me even happier that I reached out to her. She helped me pick out art supplies.

Note 9

Everyone grows up but doesn't have to grow old. When I’m 100 years old I want to look back and see that my heart grew and expanded in all directions. That I progressed and knew what it was like to be a human. Poor, happy, unhappy, lonely, strong, courageous, bold, loving, afraid, compassionate, emotional, resilient. That I knew the magic of friendship, and how it feels to be human. I’m stretching my heart to stay young not because I fear growing old, but because life happens so fast, I want to experience every feeling like it’s the first time. I think that’s what true youth and beauty is. To be young at heart is to feel things deeply and to feel often. You only have one life to live.

Note 10

My mom says I'm strong to make my life from scratch moving out here without really knowing anyone or anything. And that it’s “so impressive.” But anyone can do that really. What is more challenging is staying true to who you are no matter where you go and to remember not to get whisked away into “the norm." Be your own norm and try not to get whisked away into the current of who you think you're “supposed to be." For me to truly live means slowing down to keep up with who I really am.


Editor's note: Love her yet? I met Marni years ago at an impromptu photoshoot put on by our university's photo club. I remember she was magnetic without even trying to be, earnest and loving simply because it came so naturally to her. Radiant in every way, Marni's authenticity still inspires me to shake off my façades and show up in the best of ways.

Want your day to be brighter? Follow Marni here for weekly bits of wisdom, glimpses of that New York lifestyle and every now and then, a picture or two of that megawatt smile.

(Watercolor sketch by Suhita Shirodkar)

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Neil Gaiman on Art

I never really expected to find myself giving advice to people graduating from an establishment of higher education. I never graduated from any such establishment. I never even started at one. I escaped from school as soon as I could, when the prospect of four more years of enforced learning before I'd become the writer I wanted to be was stifling.

I got out into the world, I wrote, and I became a better writer the more I wrote, and I wrote some more, and nobody ever seemed to mind that I was making it up as I went along, they just read what I wrote and they paid for it, or they didn't, and often they commissioned me to write something else for them.

Which has left me with a healthy respect and fondness for higher education that those of my friends and family, who attended Universities, were cured of long ago.

Looking back, I've had a remarkable ride. I'm not sure I can call it a career, because a career implies that I had some kind of career plan, and I never did. The nearest thing I had was a list I made when I was 15 of everything I wanted to do: to write an adult novel, a children's book, a comic, a movie, record an audiobook, write an episode of Doctor Who... and so on. I didn't have a career. I just did the next thing on the list.

So I thought I'd tell you everything I wish I'd known starting out, and a few things that, looking back on it, I suppose that I did know. And that I would also give you the best piece of advice I'd ever got, which I completely failed to follow.

First of all: When you start out on a career in the arts you have no idea what you are doing.

This is great. People who know what they are doing know the rules, and know what is possible and impossible. You do not. And you should not. The rules on what is possible and impossible in the arts were made by people who had not tested the bounds of the possible by going beyond them. And you can.

If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.

Secondly, If you have an idea of what you want to make, what you were put here to do, then just go and do that.

And that's much harder than it sounds and, sometimes in the end, so much easier than you might imagine. Because normally, there are things you have to do before you can get to the place you want to be. I wanted to write comics and novels and stories and films, so I became a journalist, because journalists are allowed to ask questions, and to simply go and find out how the world works, and besides, to do those things I needed to write and to write well, and I was being paid to learn how to write economically, crisply, sometimes under adverse conditions, and on time.

Sometimes the way to do what you hope to do will be clear cut, and sometimes it will be almost impossible to decide whether or not you are doing the correct thing, because you'll have to balance your goals and hopes with feeding yourself, paying debts, finding work, settling for what you can get.

Something that worked for me was imagining that where I wanted to be – an author, primarily of fiction, making good books, making good comics and supporting myself through my words – was a mountain. A distant mountain. My goal.

And I knew that as long as I kept walking towards the mountain I would be all right. And when I truly was not sure what to do, I could stop, and think about whether it was taking me towards or away from the mountain. I said no to editorial jobs on magazines, proper jobs that would have paid proper money because I knew that, attractive though they were, for me they would have been walking away from the mountain. And if those job offers had come along earlier I might have taken them, because they still would have been closer to the mountain than I was at the time.

I learned to write by writing. I tended to do anything as long as it felt like an adventure, and to stop when it felt like work, which meant that life did not feel like work.

Thirdly, When you start off, you have to deal with the problems of failure. You need to be thickskinned, to learn that not every project will survive. A freelance life, a life in the arts, is sometimes like putting messages in bottles, on a desert island, and hoping that someone will find one of your bottles and open it and read it, and put something in a bottle that will wash its way back to you: appreciation, or a commission, or money, or love. And you have to accept that you may put out a hundred things for every bottle that winds up coming back.

The problems of failure are problems of discouragement, of hopelessness, of hunger. You want everything to happen and you want it now, and things go wrong. My first book – a piece of journalism I had done for the money, and which had already bought me an electric typewriter from the advance – should have been a bestseller. It should have paid me a lot of money. If the publisher hadn't gone into involuntary liquidation between the first print run selling out and the second printing, and before any royalties could be paid, it would have done.

And I shrugged, and I still had my electric typewriter and enough money to pay the rent for a couple of months, and I decided that I would do my best in future not to write books just for the money. If you didn't get the money, then you didn't have anything. If I did work I was proud of, and I didn't get the money, at least I'd have the work.

Every now and again, I forget that rule, and whenever I do, the universe kicks me hard and reminds me. I don't know that it's an issue for anybody but me, but it's true that nothing I did where the only reason for doing it was the money was ever worth it, except as bitter experience. Usually I didn't wind up getting the money, either. The things I did because I was excited, and wanted to see them exist in reality have never let me down, and I've never regretted the time I spent on any of them.

The problems of failure are hard.

The problems of success can be harder, because nobody warns you about them.

The first problem of any kind of even limited success is the unshakable conviction that you are getting away with something, and that any moment now they will discover you. It's Imposter Syndrome, something my wife Amanda christened the Fraud Police.

In my case, I was convinced that there would be a knock on the door, and a man with a clipboard (I don't know why he carried a clipboard, in my head, but he did) would be there, to tell me it was all over, and they had caught up with me, and now I would have to go and get a real job, one that didn't consist of making things up and writing them down, and reading books I wanted to read. And then I would go away quietly and get the kind of job where you don't have to make things up any more.

The problems of success. They're real, and with luck you'll experience them. The point where you stop saying yes to everything, because now the bottles you threw in the ocean are all coming back, and have to learn to say no.

I watched my peers, and my friends, and the ones who were older than me and watch how miserable some of them were: I'd listen to them telling me that they couldn't envisage a world where they did what they had always wanted to do any more, because now they had to earn a certain amount every month just to keep where they were. They couldn't go and do the things that mattered, and that they had really wanted to do; and that seemed as a big a tragedy as any problem of failure.

And after that, the biggest problem of success is that the world conspires to stop you doing the thing that you do, because you are successful. There was a day when I looked up and realised that I had become someone who professionally replied to email, and who wrote as a hobby. I started answering fewer emails, and was relieved to find I was writing much more.

Fourthly, I hope you'll make mistakes. If you're making mistakes, it means you're out there doing something. And the mistakes in themselves can be useful. I once misspelled Caroline, in a letter, transposing the A and the O, and I thought, “Coraline looks like a real name...”

And remember that whatever discipline you are in, whether you are a musician or a photographer, a fine artist or a cartoonist, a writer, a dancer, a designer, whatever you do you have one thing that's unique. You have the ability to make art.

And for me, and for so many of the people I have known, that's been a lifesaver. The ultimate lifesaver. It gets you through good times and it gets you through the other ones.

Life is sometimes hard. Things go wrong, in life and in love and in business and in friendship and in health and in all the other ways that life can go wrong. And when things get tough, this is what you should do.

Make good art.

I'm serious. Husband runs off with a politician? Make good art. Leg crushed and then eaten by mutated boa constrictor? Make good art. IRS on your trail? Make good art. Cat exploded? Make good art. Somebody on the Internet thinks what you do is stupid or evil or it's all been done before? Make good art. Probably things will work out somehow, and eventually time will take the sting away, but that doesn't matter. Do what only you do best. Make good art.

Make it on the good days too.

And Fifthly, while you are at it, make your art. Do the stuff that only you can do.

The urge, starting out, is to copy. And that's not a bad thing. Most of us only find our own voices after we've sounded like a lot of other people. But the one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can.

The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you're walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That's the moment you may be starting to get it right.

The things I've done that worked the best were the things I was the least certain about, the stories where I was sure they would either work, or more likely be the kinds of embarrassing failures people would gather together and talk about until the end of time. They always had that in common: looking back at them, people explain why they were inevitable successes. While I was doing them, I had no idea.

I still don't. And where would be the fun in making something you knew was going to work?

And sometimes the things I did really didn't work. There are stories of mine that have never been reprinted. Some of them never even left the house. But I learned as much from them as I did from the things that worked.

Sixthly. I will pass on some secret freelancer knowledge. Secret knowledge is always good. And it is useful for anyone who ever plans to create art for other people, to enter a freelance world of any kind. I learned it in comics, but it applies to other fields too. And it's this:

People get hired because, somehow, they get hired. In my case I did something which these days would be easy to check, and would get me into trouble, and when I started out, in those pre-internet days, seemed like a sensible career strategy: when I was asked by editors who I'd worked for, I lied. I listed a handful of magazines that sounded likely, and I sounded confident, and I got jobs. I then made it a point of honour to have written something for each of the magazines I'd listed to get that first job, so that I hadn't actually lied, I'd just been chronologically challenged... You get work however you get work.

People keep working, in a freelance world, and more and more of today's world is freelance, because their work is good, and because they are easy to get along with, and because they deliver the work on time. And you don't even need all three. Two out of three is fine. People will tolerate how unpleasant you are if your work is good and you deliver it on time. They'll forgive the lateness of the work if it's good, and if they like you. And you don't have to be as good as the others if you're on time and it's always a pleasure to hear from you.

When I agreed to give this address, I started trying to think what the best advice I'd been given over the years was.

And it came from Stephen King twenty years ago, at the height of the success of Sandman. I was writing a comic that people loved and were taking seriously. King had liked Sandman and my novel with Terry Pratchett, Good Omens, and he saw the madness, the long signing lines, all that, and his advice was this:

“This is really great. You should enjoy it.”

And I didn't. Best advice I got that I ignored.Instead I worried about it. I worried about the next deadline, the next idea, the next story. There wasn't a moment for the next fourteen or fifteen years that I wasn't writing something in my head, or wondering about it. And I didn't stop and look around and go, this is really fun. I wish I'd enjoyed it more. It's been an amazing ride. But there were parts of the ride I missed, because I was too worried about things going wrong, about what came next, to enjoy the bit I was on.

That was the hardest lesson for me, I think: to let go and enjoy the ride, because the ride takes you to some remarkable and unexpected places.

And here, on this platform, today, is one of those places. (I am enjoying myself immensely.)

To all today's graduates: I wish you luck. Luck is useful. Often you will discover that the harder you work, and the more wisely you work, the luckier you get. But there is luck, and it helps.

We're in a transitional world right now, if you're in any kind of artistic field, because the nature of distribution is changing, the models by which creators got their work out into the world, and got to keep a roof over their heads and buy sandwiches while they did that, are all changing. I've talked to people at the top of the food chain in publishing, in bookselling, in all those areas, and nobody knows what the landscape will look like two years from now, let alone a decade away. The distribution channels that people had built over the last century or so are in flux for print, for visual artists, for musicians, for creative people of all kinds.

Which is, on the one hand, intimidating, and on the other, immensely liberating. The rules, the assumptions, the now-we're supposed to's of how you get your work seen, and what you do then, are breaking down. The gatekeepers are leaving their gates. You can be as creative as you need to be to get your work seen. YouTube and the web (and whatever comes after YouTube and the web) can give you more people watching than television ever did. The old rules are crumbling and nobody knows what the new rules are.

So make up your own rules.

Someone asked me recently how to do something she thought was going to be difficult, in this case recording an audio book, and I suggested she pretend that she was someone who could do it. Not pretend to do it, but pretend she was someone who could. She put up a notice to this effect on the studio wall, and she said it helped.

So be wise, because the world needs more wisdom, and if you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would.

And now go, and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here. Make good art.

University of the Arts
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
134th Commencement
May 17, 2012

Friday, March 20, 2015

A Letter to Myself: Written by Paris Clavel

When I was young, I felt like everyone I admired was very strongly opinionated and seemed to be of one mind. It was such a secure way to grow up, but so very narrow. Imagine when I got to an extremely diverse college and started to admire people who were nothing like me, who thought nothing like me—who I disagreed with and it was encouraged. My entire frame of reference crumbled, and sifting through the debris I got to choose all of the pieces that would make me who I wanted to be as an individual. As different as that might be from everyone I knew and loved. It was so intoxicating; creating myself apart from anyone else. But I wish I had been bolder sooner, I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time simply being agreeable.


Dear Little Paris,

Yes, you, with the big #12 on the back of your teensy sweater eating your homemade PB&J’s. You’re a Mormon, you’re being homeschooled, you guys don’t drink milk or get the flu shot, you won’t be allowed to wear makeup until you’re fourteen, and your dad makes you listen to Rush Limbaugh every morning. You are seriously the strangest person I know.

You’re already so much more different than you want to be and it makes you so uncomfortable. You’re so tired of not having anything in common with people. So there they stay, tucked away, all your crazy ideas and unique perspectives. Smiling and nodding, going with the flow—you’re the ultimate team player. But sitting atop that fence is going to get uncomfortable really soon. I know it feels safe up there, you don’t have to make up your mind or do anything noticeable, and people love you because you’re so quick to jump on board with their ideas.

But please stop thinking so much about what will make other people feel good or smart or strong, it’s time for you to feel good and smart and strong. It’s time to learn that it is not disrespectful to have a different opinion; it is not selfish to share your own thoughts. It’s not necessary to support every thought shared by others, it is not brave or bold or unique to be a footstool.

Oh little Paris, stop being so agreeable.

You don’t have all the answers, nobody does. But that doesn’t make your real thoughts, feelings, or opinions any less valuable. If you think differently, speak up—even if you end up being the only one. Stop acting so passionate about things you don’t really care about and being so passive about things that might actually matter to you. Everything that makes you unique is getting lost in the shuffle.

One day you will have a beautiful little boy, and as you watch him grow you will feel like he is capable of doing anything, being anything he wants to. And you will feel so much love that you will want to encourage him in whatever he tries to pursue—whatever ideas he has, no matter how different they might be from your own. And so you see you never had to be afraid, you never had to shrink when those you loved and admired felt differently than you. Because in the words of Bernard M. Baruch, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

Oh little Paris, stop being so agreeable. Be brave, be different, be you already.


You can find Paris and her cute (growing!) family at @parisclavel on Instagram. (This is a woman I've looked up to since the day I met her—she's a lover and a fighter and she's brimming with wisdom.)

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

On Asking for Help

I come from a long line of people who often say "I'm fine." It's genetic, I think, because it's taken twenty-two years for me to realize that there are times when I'm really not okay, and that sometimes I really do need help.


I remember being in the midst of a deluge of crappy things about a year ago, feeling so unanchored and so overwhelmed. It was one of the most difficult periods of my life so far, and it had gotten to a point where I knew I had to stop internalizing all of the stress and the heartache and the confusion if I wanted to continue (or maybe go back to) being a fully-functioning human. It was out of my comfort zone and I mentally went back and forth on the decision dozens of times, but I finally reached out to a number of therapists. I remember emailing a few different individuals, palms sweating and full of self-doubt and embarrassment at my admission of needing help. I'll never forget a line in the response email from the therapist I ended up choosing: ". . . sometimes you need somebody that's not a friend or family member to throw you a life saver." The image made perfect sense to me. I've always been a private person, and feared that I would be burdening others if I unloaded my weights on them. So there I was, treading water and not being sure what to do or who to call when I was tossed some help. I felt relief just picturing the scene.

In retrospect, seeking help through therapy was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I often joke with my sister that I'm going to start gifting everyone I know therapy for birthdays and Christmas gifts (and if I had the money I truly would). Therapy in all its forms is pretty stigmatized—I experienced that first-hand when I realized how sheepish I was to seek it out, how quiet I've been about it since, and how queasy I've been about sharing it here. And herein lies the problem. What have we done to make asking for help, whether it's from a therapist, or from Mom or Dad or Grandma, or from a best friend or a total stranger, or from the Universe itself, something to be ashamed of?

In the words of Monica Potter, "You have to have help—people with the same vision as you and people you trust."

I recently had a delicious conversation with a colleague and friend that has worked as a therapist for decades. He described an exercise that can help when we're feeling discouraged or embarrassed or in need of help (a.k.a. when we're being human) and my heart nearly exploded I loved it so much. Try it right now: Think of something that you're currently struggling with, then think of someone in your life—living or deceased, near or far—that you love and admire. If you can't think of a particular person, create one in your mind. Imagine sharing what you're currently struggling with with this person or being. Imagine that someone not being irritated or annoyed or confused by you. Imagine them with complete serenity, understanding and compassion, loving you wildly even when you're in this horribly stuck place. No judgment, no condemnation. What would they say to you?

That exercise feels like a warm cup of tea to me, and I've found that practicing it in my mind emboldens me to speak up, or at least to tell the truth when somebody asks me how I'm doing. (I also want to write "love wildly" all over everything.) I have a friend that often says, "How are you really doing?" It sort of gives me a kick in the butt to be real, and to trust that there are listening ears and open hearts and cozy shoulders waiting for me to sometimes say, "Not that great."


Pssst, here's more:

This post by Joanna Goddard illustrates all of this quite perfectly. The comments made my heart melt.

In my humble opinion, Humans of New York is one of the best things to happen to humanity in the 21st century. Following photographer Brandon Stanton on social media turns my world around and upside down on a regular basis, and I can't get enough of it. It helps me to understand that all of us suffer and that nobody is perfect, myself included.

If you're considering therapy: Finding a therapist that's a good fit for you can sometimes be a discouraging experience, but I promise you they are out there! I highly recommend GoodTherapy.org in your search. Do your best to research potential therapists' backgrounds and approaches, then have an honest conversation about what you're experiencing. Don't be afraid to test out a few—finding someone with an approach that gels with your needs can be positively life-changing.

In case you missed it, read this post about being your own worst enemy or your own best friend.

May the (love)force be with you.

(Artwork by Sarah Walton)