An Interview with Artist Rae Robinson

LF: How did you start painting?

RR: Like any kid, I always loved painting and drawing. If anyone gave me a crayon and a piece of paper I was entertained for hours. Unlike many kids that went to church or other adult activities and their moms would bring Cheerios, fruit snacks, toys and books, my mom never brought anything; her thing was giving me and my siblings a pen and the church program or paper and that was our entertainment, so I guess I was kind of forced to draw, and I have no complaints there! In high school I also worked at a theatre downtown where I helped build and paint the sets. I loved it so much, but I still didn’t really know how to scale down art or do more academic work until college.

My favorite charcoal drawing, this girl intrigued me. She was in one of my classes and had a little sass about her. Her father is from Kenya and she’s from Texas, she always talked about her roots but at the same time she was the average American teenager. I tried to capture both those sides in this drawing. “Hipster meets Tradition”.

LF: What inspires you the most about art?

RR: Art inspires me in every aspect of my life. I can’t even meet a person without assigning them a color. I often won’t remember your name but I’ll never forget the color I gave you. Art inspires me the most in my relationships with people. If there is one thing I’ve learned in painting it's that every painting and drawing has to go through an ugly stage. At the beginning I’m always excited about the possible outcome of the piece, but I soon find that after many hours the painting has turned sour—the nose might be drooped down to the chin, one eye might be on hair line and the hand is 3x too big… in other words, it’s a disaster. That’s when every artist is faced with a decision: either to snap it in half and throw your brushes across the room (which I have done many times) or to sit down blast the music (Weezer or Passion Pit) get a snack (popcorn) and find a new determination to fix every mistake and patiently let it come together. That’s how I see relationships, they always go through ugly stages and not everything is always perfect with my sisters, dad, mom, boyfriend and friends, but art has taught me to take the second option and work through it. Many artists always show their final piece and have a sense of pride in it but the final product has never been my favorite part about it. My favorite part is always the process that piece took me through (typically an emotional frustrating one) and that’s how life is. It's not about the final outcome, but the process of everyday. Art is everything to me. It’s typically the first and last thing I think about when I wake up and go to bed.

One of the emotional drawings. I didn’t know I was sad or down until I stepped back and realized her position. Later I read my scriptures and realized that of course burdens come and it’s ok, we are supposed to have them. We are all connected to expressing our emotions in some way and God is connected to help us through these emotions in His way.

LF: If you had to give someone a piece of advice around finding your passion, what would you offer?

RR: If I could give anyone one piece of advice about finding their passion it would be to “Date Life.” I know it sounds a bit odd to date life, but my experience has taught me that dates with life are actually the most exciting dates I’ve been on. I had a friend that was expressing her frustration with boys and how she was just so fed up with them. I found myself expressing to her that she just needs to date life, see what it has to offer, and pick and choose from there. There is so much we can’t control around us, but when you date life, you have the power to choose what you are going to do on that date. Dating life is similar to regular relationships, you have to try out many different things to figure out what you like. Maybe a pottery class, hiking, culinary class, foreign films, photography, poetry, badminton . . . you can really start with anything and maybe the first go around is something that you love and you stay with, or maybe it's just horrible and that’s ok—you just try something else. The most exciting dates with life are getting into things that push you, take you out of your comfort level and urge you to develop. Developing talents and passion has made the biggest difference in my life. There was a point in my life (and I’m sure for many others) where I wasn’t in a good relationship which obviously led to many bad breakups, it was hard and brutal, and like so many other things in life that I've gone through, it left me a little helpless and lost. Each time I was left a little more lost, but those were the times I also found myself in art. Being lost and sad, I never wanted to be around people (still struggle), but I would find my own company and a paintbrush entertaining. I would just go paint for hours and draw, sometimes sad and depressing things, but I would draw nevertheless.  Developing a talent pushes us to look beyond ourselves so we don’t just focus on our social status, body type, clothes, followers and “friends” on social media.  It gives us the ability to love ourselves because we love something else that pushes us.

My canvases were always a little creative when I was younger…my little brother Seth was such a trooper. 

LF: Name one thing that you’re hoping to accomplish in the next year.

RR: In the next year I would love to assign more of a style to my work. I feel like that is a never ending search for any artist or person with a passion. Right now I’m in this experimental phase where I just try some of everything, it's fun and I’m enjoying the phase, but eventually I would love to have a style and a medium that I can really master. 

One of my first portraits. I was faced with those two decisions while painting it, but I'm glad I stuck with the second decision to keep working. 

LF: What advice would you have given yourself three years ago?

RR: Three years ago I would have given myself the advice to be patient and enjoy the stage where you just really kinda suck (ha!). Too often I always wanted to be better immediately, instead of enjoying crappy piece after crappy piece. I would also tell myself to not be so dramatic or think the world was over with one bad thing. Wake up early. You only need one or two GOOD friends, not a million. Family and God are the most important things. Finally, be yourself and let yourself change.

Oooh, such delicious words, artwork and advice. Find Rae on Instagram at @raebaebaerob—it's always a beautiful adventure. 

All of the Things I'm Not by Aymie Haslam

I’m not a very good storyteller. I can also assure you that my laugh is dreadfully annoying, I am a frequent attendee of “The Pity Party” (always my own, of course) and I can over think things to the point of exhaustion. But…we’ll get to all that shortly.

Taylor asked me, “What are the top three things you’d want people to know about you?”

Uh…everything…and nothing? I couldn’t mention one thing without qualifying it. When I finally thought of a few things I couldn’t get the words to come together. What do you, the reader, want to know about me?! Nothing really. I am of almost no significance to you other than the fact that I am someone writing for a blog you frequent. I’m just some nobody Canadian, living a rather uneventful life. I will say that, for the sake of this post, you NEED to know that I love myself, but it wasn’t always that way.

Growing up is tough on everyone. If you’re not dealing with a bully, you’re dealing with making friends or struggling with how much time you get on the computer …or all three. There is always something dissatisfying, disheartening, or flat out unfair. As a child, I remember being so insecure, so uncomfortable in my own skin; I was consumed by an almost paralyzing anxiety. I was constantly haunted by feelings of inadequacy, drowning in the possibility that I may never be good enough.

If my laugh didn’t sound right, or I told a story that ended up having no real point or conclusion I would get sucked into a cyclone of self-hate. Eventually these toxic assessments of my self began to manifest in physical retribution. The scars on my body now remind me to always be there for myself, because some times no one else can.

I have since over come most of those struggles. I still have bad days. Nights when I can’t sleep because I am thinking of all the things I’m not. I also have better days that show me how capable I am. I have a strong belief in choosing who you want to be. In letting go of your own past and creating a brighter future for yourself despite the influence of others. My family is a constant strength for me. My faith holds me together when nothing else will. When things really get tough I just go and get my eyebrows done because oddly enough a new set of brows makes me feel like a Nubian Queen. I make sure to take time for myself. I feel truly alive when I am alone in a crowded place. I once spent an evening alone in a Roman piazza just eating and people watching. That may have been the best part of my trip.

Sometimes I give up too soon. I worry too much. I will always find a way to fall off something. I am littered with flaws. However, I don’t take myself too seriously, anymore. I give amazing hugs and I’m very determined and ambitious. We must learn to laugh at ourselves and enjoy our own company. If you find that you are not, I would encourage you to live the law of acceptance of yourself. It is not an excuse to live in mediocrity, but allows you healthy space to work on self-improvement. It makes life just a little easier to live. Also, if you have another moment to spare, run over to Tyler Ford’s post Too Much. It touched my heart and I hope it speaks to you too.

Thank you for reading.

Aymie is so real, so earnest, and so inspirational. Also the Nubian Queen comment makes me fall in love with her even more. Find her on Instagram at @aymielu and you'll fall in love with her too (if you haven't already).

Bath Power

I never would have anticipated writing a post about baths on Love Force, but I do anticipate writing a lot of posts about self-care, a category which I think baths absolutely fall under. Because when the going gets tough, I get into the tub.

As I mentioned on our Instagram, it feels like it's been a challenging few weeks. Some personal heartaches have hit our family, but it seems like worldwide, we've got some serious sorrow on our hands. Our thoughts and prayers go out to those that are struggling, suffering and wondering when it's going to get better. You are not alone.

In the words of our motto, Love Force is about truth, about being alive, and about what those two things mean for us (both individually and collectively) when they're intertwined together. A truth about being alive: sometimes life feels insurmountable. Another truth: self care (intentional actions you take to care for your physical, mental and emotional health) is a very real thing, and is vital to moving through and healing from pain. Self care can take all sorts of forms—anything from meditation to hugging your dog to doing a puzzle to going for a walk to having a good laugh or a good cry. Taking care of ourselves and others is a key component in contributing to a more peaceful world (and no, it's not selfish).

Which leads me to bath time.

The other night I got home from work, not having slept much the night before, and went straight to the bathtub. My husband walked in to a dark and quiet apartment and must have seen candlelight flickering off of our bathroom walls through the door crack as he slowly pushed it open. I had propped my iPad up on the counter and was watching David Attenborough's Life series (available on le Netflíx) because nature shows are one of my go-to 'happy places'.

"You doing okay?" he asked. I shifted my eyes up at him. "It's a bathtub cinema kind of night," I replied, my chin not leaving its Jabba the Hutt position on my chest. Bathtub cinema. He gets it.

Turns out hydrotherapy (ultimately using water to promote health and well-being in a myriad of forms) has been around for centuries, and with good reason. Records of its use have been found in Egyptian, Persian, Greek, Chinese and Japanese civilizations, for all sorts of medicinal uses ranging from detoxification to improving circulation.

I swear by baths, and was totally tickled to see that the Scientific American covered a study done by researchers at Yale called The Substitutability of Physical and Social Warmth in Daily Life, which can be translated to mean: "Hot Baths May Cure Loneliness". From the study:

More recently, Williams and Bargh (2008) showed that incidental warmth experiences (such as when holding a cup of hot coffee or taking a warm bath) produce “warm” psychological experiences of trust and behavioral effects on generosity, without the person’s awareness.

To add on to feelings of trust and generosity, baths are credited with improving focus and meditation, boosting brain power, soothing muscles (menstrual cramps included), relieving stress, aiding sleep, healing skin conditions like eczema, reducing infection, alleviating colds and headaches and improving circulation, to name a few. And if those things can help us to be our best, healthiest selves, we're in.

If you're in need of inspiration, do yourself a favor and watch this beautiful National Geographic video of Japanese macaques (or snow monkeys) meditating in hot springs. What I would give to just slip right in with them.

Images via Marta Gil, Taylor Radelia and Salva López.

Passion, Purpose and the Pursuit of Personhood by Jamie Frost

I have always loved to sing. As a child my imaginative play always involved singing in one way or another. Whether I was a pirate/singer, princess/singer, or even a mechanic/singer, the singer part was non-negotiable. In fact, my mother signed me up for figure skating lessons after I was mesmerized at Michelle Kwan’s performance in the 1998 Olympics, but even then I insisted that my figure skating hopes would only be complete if I could skate to songs I myself had recorded. I wrote my first song in the 3rd grade (in which basically I just named any major monument I could think of around a chorus of “around the wooooooorld”); and in the 5th grade my book report on The Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler was a seven minute musical review. It never crossed my mind that I would end up doing anything but singing.

Until two years ago.

For me, singing was my freedom, it made me feel strong. It made me feel powerful. It was the source of my self-confidence and the manifestation of my best self. Knowing that I could take any piece of music and sing it, high notes, low notes, whatever, was the ultimate freeing thought. With jazz music, even just listening to certain riffs could make me feel like I was being wrapped in silky sheets of sunlight, and conquering a tough phrase filled me with a giddiness akin to a 6-year-old on Christmas morning. At age 23 I was in the midst of training with one of the top vocal coaches in the country when I met my now-husband.

Let me guess what you may be thinking, that this is a story about how I gave up on my dreams to get married and put myself on the backburner for my husband’s goals. I have to admit I also had that fear sweep across my mind once or twice, but each time, I realized the same thing I am about to explain to you: passions are not always meant to be permanent.

It is possible that their function, instead of being the end-all be-all of our lives, is to teach, to uplift, to inspire, and to guide. When they have taught us all they can, we move on.

As my relationship with my husband progressed, the excitement I had about singing gradually faded. It was no longer appealing to me to be gone on tour for three months at a time, nor was it appealing to have to spend my evenings at gigs or rehearsals. (Notice here that my vernacular changed from the once hopeful “get” to do these things to “have” to do these things.) My husband, a mental performance coach, went to great lengths to make sure what I was feeling wasn’t just burnout, or a case of temporary insanity. I really just didn’t love it anymore. While I still enjoy listening to soulful blues and jazz music, it doesn’t fill me with the same power and groove that it used to. And that’s okay with me.

At first this was very scary. Who was I if not a singer? Could my instincts about myself really have been so wrong as to make me think I was passionate about something I wasn’t? Had I wasted all of that time and effort on something that would never come to fruition?

I decided, however, that fear and stubbornness were not good enough driving factors to continue with something I no longer loved. Letting go of the identity of singer that I had tied myself to freed me up to explore other aspects of who I am. I discovered a love for cooking Italian food, history, languages, and yoga; I am starting a jiu jitsu class within the month, and I discovered I make a pretty decent wife, which is something I never imagined would be the case. I feel that I am closer to the version of myself I am ultimately meant to be than I was two years ago, in large part because I had the courage to abandon what I had relied on for self-validation and allowed myself to just be Jamie; not Jamie the aspiring singer, just Jamie. I was lucky enough to have a support system - my husband - to encourage and console me along my journey of self-acceptance as a person without the need of any other identifiers.

When I think about singing now, I am grateful, but not in the least bit regretful. I learned a lot about hard work and focused practice. I learned a lot about goals, dreams, and passions that I use to empathize and encourage those who are currently pursuing those things. Ultimately, however, the greatest gift that singing gave me was the lesson that I am enough without it. I am enough just being me.

"Too Much" by Tyler Ford

do you remember the first time you were called annoying?

how your breath stopped short in your chest

the way the light drained from your eyes, though you knew your cheeks were ablaze

the way your throat tightened as you tried to form an argument that got lost on your tongue.

your eyes never left the floor that day.

you were 13.

you’re 20 now, and i still see the light fade from your eyes when you talk about your interests for “too long,”

apologies littering every other sentence,

words trailing off a cliff you haven’t jumped from in 7 years.

i could listen to you forever, though i know speaking for more than 3 uninterrupted minutes makes you anxious.

all i want you to know is that you deserve to be heard

for 3 minutes

for 10 minutes

for 2 hours

forever.

there will be people who cannot handle your grace, your beauty, your wisdom, your heart;

mostly because they can’t handle their own.

but you will never be

and have never been

“too much.”

Tyler Ford

More Tyler Ford here and here.

A Letter to My Future Self by McKenzie Bauer

Dear future McKenzie,

Disclaimer: Writing a letter to your future self is a bit strange. I have no idea where my life will be or what what my story will look like. However, I do hope to become a certain type of person and for the most part, I know what it will take to become that.

Anyway, I hope you love your husband even more deeply than you do now because you are crazy about him. As you should be, he’s one awesome guy! I hope that you never take him for granted—not once. Look him in the eyes each night before you fall asleep and tell him how much he means to you and hug him in the morning to let him know that you will always be by his side. Support him and recognize that he has fears and weaknesses, different from your own. You are there to help him overcome them.

Although I am not a mother while I write this, when you have kids of your own, make time to always be a mother, not just a mom. Don’t let problems become more important than your people. Snuggle them. Listen to them. Serve them. Strive to be as much like your mother as possible. And strive to be different as well. Teach them. Love them. And then teach some more. If you’re listening and loving in the right ways, hopefully you will know how to help them.

Don’t be a control freak. This is a problem you deal with every day and it’s a huge (and I mean huge) weakness of yours and you need to get over it. Go with the wind. Breathe and just let things be. Your attitude affects those around you—make sure your attitude is a positive one.

Keep in touch with old friends and make your new friends feel important. Learn from each other. Utilize the relationships in your life to better yourself and others.

Never stop praying.

Take care of your body. Go on lots of walks. Appreciate every sunset. Hug people. Don’t forget to have fun. Hang your kids artwork on the fridge. Stay organized. Keep up on your journal. Work hard.

Have a damn piece of cake every now and then and enjoy every last bite.

Every one of these things (except for the parts about motherhood) are things I am trying to improve on each day and guess what, I fail quite regularly. It’s kind of embarrassing actually, but that's life!

The great thing is, I also succeed. Every now and again I’ll remember to make a phone call to someone whose been on my mind or to say my morning prayers.

Don’t beat yourself up. Ask for help. And be happy.

These are things I am learning now and I hope that you (however you old you are) are also learning these things.

Be kind to yourself and know that I pray for you every day.

I know that God loves you and is looking out for you. He always has been and he always will be. I don’t know what trials you will face or the dark moments that lie ahead but from what I can tell, they always end.

Stay true to who you are but always be willing to accept where you need to change and then execute.

Love,

yourself.

P.S. Love yourself.

This woman is love and light; she's earnest, curious and has one of the biggest hearts I know. Get to know her yourself—find Kenzie on Instagram at @kenzebauer and at her blog here.

Pretty by Kate Makkai

Welcome to Wednesday morning, where poet and speaker Kate Makkai sends shivers down our spines as she delivers "Pretty" into our minds and hearts.

Language-edited version here, though I recommend watching the full version (one-word difference) to maintain the integrity of Makkai's forceful work.

Also—don't miss her interview about beauty, aesthetics and perception with FierceMag.

Marni Takes New York: 10 Notes From the Subway

Marni took a leap of faith and moved to New York City last July. She recently wrote me, "I write little notes here and there to myself on the train and take notes about everything that has been swirling around in my brain since moving to the city." And that's exactly what this post is—subway notes by Marni Vail.

Note 1

The other day in church I was thinking about how I never want to fall “out of touch,” but that I wouldn’t even remember how to not fall “out of touch” if I was “out of touch,” because it just happens so naturally. Like a ball of yarn unraveling—it falls off the couch, your cat or baby gets a hold of it and you just don’t notice. It happens slowly, never on purpose. And then you wake up one day and have no idea what happened and there’s no clues. So I decided to make a list of things that concerned me at critical stages in my life, so that when I have kids I will remember how it feels. What it's like to be a little kid when you're learning how to tell the truth, how to include people and feel included. What it's like to be a teenager and wonder about boys, or to be in high school and learn how to not get caught up in the caste system, to be your own kind of cool and to love your body. Or how it feels to be in your mid twenties and single, and wonder if you will ever get married or be able to support yourself. I guess this is sort of like that.

Note 2

The snow is falling again. Which means it’s the first day of spring in New York I guess. This city is so strange. Different from anywhere I’ve ever lived. It’s dirty, addicting, expensive, and enthralling. I feel like a full-length mirror here in the city. Reflecting a million tiny dreams in my heart and wanting to be a little drop of everything I see and feel. To write things, act, sing, make short films, create art, dance, perform, do stand up comedy even, befriend strangers and get to the bottom of their hopes and dreams while I try to live out mine. This city is so full of people doing so many different things. Maybe that’s why I moved here in the first place, I couldn’t make up my mind. When I lay in my bed at night and the streets are finally quiet, I feel just like a pair of freshly washed socks tucked in the back of a drawer, stacked safely on top of a whole bunch of other socks. The night sky blanketing me and all the tiny people in the city, making us all one. That's why I think I secretly love emergency situations—we are all one in emergencies—we are the most human when we have no control at all.

Note 3

Leo Tolstoy said in the beginning of one of his books, "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I think at night were all alike. We all rely on the same thing to take us over, sleep. All tucked safely in our beds, and in the morning we break apart again like a 5,000 piece puzzle. There are some things though that no matter how different we are, we all yearn for, and need. Touch. I miss human touch here. So much that when I accidentally run into someone or they run into me, I don't mind at all. In fact, I almost want people to run into me so that I remember I'm not just a ghost haunting the city or something.

Note 4

It's easy to feel like a tiny green pea in New York. People pretend not to see you. You pretend not to see anyone. I really like seeing all the different faces on the subway, I don’t like pretending. Older people studying out of textbooks, I secretly admire them for going back to school. I look at all the hard workers that ride the train with me, some dressed in business suits holding leather bags, others with patches on their jeans, and hard hats and utility belts. I admire them all. I wonder about their families or if they even have family in this country or if it was just a dream of theirs to come to New York, and if its what they expected. I feel love for them. Even this man sitting next to me, falling in and out of consciousness trying to do a Sudoku puzzle. He’s threatening to fall asleep on me and has dry skin and dandruff, but I love him too.

Note 5

I've learned a lot since moving to New York. There are things that New York can teach me, but things only I can teach New York. For example, walking. New York has taught me how to walk with purpose, squaring my shoulders taking up a lot of room on the sidewalk and looking people right in the eye. I heard this once: "If you shut your eyes to a frightening sight, you end up being frightened. If you look at everything straight on, there is nothing to be afraid of.'" Akira Kurosawa, Something Like an Autobiography.

I try to look at most everyone I pass in the eyes, not because I’m trying not to be afraid of them, but because I want to show them that they exist in this world.

Note 6

I used to be afraid of a lot of things. My biggest fear has always been dying before my time. I don’t know why. There’s something just so tragic about it. I used to be so shy when I was a little kid. Even my cousin asked me to have a sleepover once and I just stood there quietly because I was too shy to answer her in front of people. I remember I came out of my shell eventually like most kids do. When I was 19 I read an article about how everyone thinks that the spotlight is on them—when they enter a room, when they are speaking, eating, etc. But if everyone thinks the spotlight is on them, the truth is that the spotlight is never really on you, you just feel that way, and so does everyone else. Long story short, nobody cares. No one really cares that much what you do, how you do it, or if you're still single at 27. There is nothing to be shy or embarrassed about. Ever. This is your life; you’re the only one that knows how to live it perfectly. So do what you want to do anyway. Don’t live under a blanket of fear. Unnecessary fear can sink its claws into you and hold you back.

Shrugging off irrational things is really living your life true to you. I’ve heard that the real reason you flip a coin is not so that the coin will decided for you, it's so that your mind will whisper to you what it is you really want, right when the coin is in the air, or when you get that sinking feeling when you see the coin is landing on the decision you don’t really want. You should never play it too safe. Do what you want and be who you want regardless of circumstance. I miss writing and making movies. Picking a subject and delving in. I miss being in school. I also miss having someone to share my life with. I'm going home to eat dinner now and it will be good but I enjoy so much having someone to share my meals with. Life is most flavorful when shared.

Note 7

Sometimes I find my life is just passing so quickly without me having much say in it. I don't like that. Pause every once in a while and glance at what you are creating. If it’s not what you want, then make a plan, act fast and change. Young people breathe such life into things. Older people add depth, wisdom. The people in the middle, like us, I guess we just try to move things around and make life interesting. Make it all mean something while we can. Write our own stories, move, run, and make big decisions. There really are no wrong answers in life. There are only missed opportunities.

Note 8

In New York people can look grumpy or way into what they're doing but they're not. They're just in their little shells copying what everyone else is doing. So when I first moved here I tried to blend in so I did that too. But I’ve realized how much of my true life I’ve been missing out on being “a stone faced New Yorker.” So I’m not doing that anymore and just being myself. Smiling. Touching. Being honest. The day I made that decision, to look into people’s eyes again and smile, I met this girl Carla at an art store who was deaf. I didn’t know she was deaf at first but I complimented her beautiful smooth skin and awesome hair and then she signaled to me that she was deaf. It made me even happier that I reached out to her. She helped me pick out art supplies.

Note 9

Everyone grows up but doesn't have to grow old. When I’m 100 years old I want to look back and see that my heart grew and expanded in all directions. That I progressed and knew what it was like to be a human. Poor, happy, unhappy, lonely, strong, courageous, bold, loving, afraid, compassionate, emotional, resilient. That I knew the magic of friendship, and how it feels to be human. I’m stretching my heart to stay young not because I fear growing old, but because life happens so fast, I want to experience every feeling like it’s the first time. I think that’s what true youth and beauty is. To be young at heart is to feel things deeply and to feel often. You only have one life to live.

Note 10

My mom says I'm strong to make my life from scratch moving out here without really knowing anyone or anything. And that it’s “so impressive.” But anyone can do that really. What is more challenging is staying true to who you are no matter where you go and to remember not to get whisked away into “the norm." Be your own norm and try not to get whisked away into the current of who you think you're “supposed to be." For me to truly live means slowing down to keep up with who I really am.

Editor's note: Love her yet? I met Marni years ago at an impromptu photoshoot put on by our university's photo club. I remember she was magnetic without even trying to be, earnest and loving simply because it came so naturally to her. Radiant in every way, Marni's authenticity still inspires me to shake off my façades and show up in the best of ways.

Want your day to be brighter? Follow Marni here for weekly bits of wisdom, glimpses of that New York lifestyle and every now and then, a picture or two of that megawatt smile.

(Watercolor sketch by Suhita Shirodkar)

A Letter to Myself: Written by Paris Clavel

When I was young, I felt like everyone I admired was very strongly opinionated and seemed to be of one mind. It was such a secure way to grow up, but so very narrow. Imagine when I got to an extremely diverse college and started to admire people who were nothing like me, who thought nothing like me—who I disagreed with and it was encouraged. My entire frame of reference crumbled, and sifting through the debris I got to choose all of the pieces that would make me who I wanted to be as an individual. As different as that might be from everyone I knew and loved. It was so intoxicating; creating myself apart from anyone else. But I wish I had been bolder sooner, I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time simply being agreeable.

Dear Little Paris,

Yes, you, with the big #12 on the back of your teensy sweater eating your homemade PB&J’s. You’re a Mormon, you’re being homeschooled, you guys don’t drink milk or get the flu shot, you won’t be allowed to wear makeup until you’re fourteen, and your dad makes you listen to Rush Limbaugh every morning. You are seriously the strangest person I know.

You’re already so much more different than you want to be and it makes you so uncomfortable. You’re so tired of not having anything in common with people. So there they stay, tucked away, all your crazy ideas and unique perspectives. Smiling and nodding, going with the flow—you’re the ultimate team player. But sitting atop that fence is going to get uncomfortable really soon. I know it feels safe up there, you don’t have to make up your mind or do anything noticeable, and people love you because you’re so quick to jump on board with their ideas.

But please stop thinking so much about what will make other people feel good or smart or strong, it’s time for you to feel good and smart and strong. It’s time to learn that it is not disrespectful to have a different opinion; it is not selfish to share your own thoughts. It’s not necessary to support every thought shared by others, it is not brave or bold or unique to be a footstool.

Oh little Paris, stop being so agreeable.

You don’t have all the answers, nobody does. But that doesn’t make your real thoughts, feelings, or opinions any less valuable. If you think differently, speak up—even if you end up being the only one. Stop acting so passionate about things you don’t really care about and being so passive about things that might actually matter to you. Everything that makes you unique is getting lost in the shuffle.

One day you will have a beautiful little boy, and as you watch him grow you will feel like he is capable of doing anything, being anything he wants to. And you will feel so much love that you will want to encourage him in whatever he tries to pursue—whatever ideas he has, no matter how different they might be from your own. And so you see you never had to be afraid, you never had to shrink when those you loved and admired felt differently than you. Because in the words of Bernard M. Baruch, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

Oh little Paris, stop being so agreeable. Be brave, be different, be you already.

You can find Paris and her cute (growing!) family at @parisclavel on Instagram. (This is a woman I've looked up to since the day I met her—she's a lover and a fighter and she's brimming with wisdom.)

On Asking for Help

I come from a long line of people who often say "I'm fine." It's genetic, I think, because it's taken twenty-two years for me to realize that there are times when I'm really not okay, and that sometimes I really do need help.

I remember being in the midst of a deluge of crappy things about a year ago, feeling so unanchored and so overwhelmed. It was one of the most difficult periods of my life so far, and it had gotten to a point where I knew I had to stop internalizing all of the stress and the heartache and the confusion if I wanted to continue (or maybe go back to) being a fully-functioning human. It was out of my comfort zone and I mentally went back and forth on the decision dozens of times, but I finally reached out to a number of therapists. I remember emailing a few different individuals, palms sweating and full of self-doubt and embarrassment at my admission of needing help. I'll never forget a line in the response email from the therapist I ended up choosing: ". . . sometimes you need somebody that's not a friend or family member to throw you a life saver." The image made perfect sense to me. I've always been a private person, and feared that I would be burdening others if I unloaded my weights on them. So there I was, treading water and not being sure what to do or who to call when I was tossed some help. I felt relief just picturing the scene.

In retrospect, seeking help through therapy was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I often joke with my sister that I'm going to start gifting everyone I know therapy for birthdays and Christmas gifts (and if I had the money I truly would). Therapy in all its forms is pretty stigmatized—I experienced that first-hand when I realized how sheepish I was to seek it out, how quiet I've been about it since, and how queasy I've been about sharing it here. And herein lies the problem. What have we done to make asking for help, whether it's from a therapist, or from Mom or Dad or Grandma, or from a best friend or a total stranger, or from the Universe itself, something to be ashamed of?

In the words of Monica Potter, "You have to have help—people with the same vision as you and people you trust."

I recently had a delicious conversation with a colleague and friend that has worked as a therapist for decades. He described an exercise that can help when we're feeling discouraged or embarrassed or in need of help (a.k.a. when we're being human) and my heart nearly exploded I loved it so much. Try it right now: Think of something that you're currently struggling with, then think of someone in your life—living or deceased, near or far—that you love and admire. If you can't think of a particular person, create one in your mind. Imagine sharing what you're currently struggling with with this person or being. Imagine that someone not being irritated or annoyed or confused by you. Imagine them with complete serenity, understanding and compassion, loving you wildly even when you're in this horribly stuck place. No judgment, no condemnation. What would they say to you?

That exercise feels like a warm cup of tea to me, and I've found that practicing it in my mind emboldens me to speak up, or at least to tell the truth when somebody asks me how I'm doing. (I also want to write "love wildly" all over everything.) I have a friend that often says, "How are you really doing?" It sort of gives me a kick in the butt to be real, and to trust that there are listening ears and open hearts and cozy shoulders waiting for me to sometimes say, "Not that great."

Pssst, here's more:

This post by Joanna Goddard illustrates all of this quite perfectly. The comments made my heart melt.

In my humble opinion, Humans of New York is one of the best things to happen to humanity in the 21st century. Following photographer Brandon Stanton on social media turns my world around and upside down on a regular basis, and I can't get enough of it. It helps me to understand that all of us suffer and that nobody is perfect, myself included.

If you're considering therapy: Finding a therapist that's a good fit for you can sometimes be a discouraging experience, but I promise you they are out there! I highly recommend GoodTherapy.org in your search. Do your best to research potential therapists' backgrounds and approaches, then have an honest conversation about what you're experiencing. Don't be afraid to test out a few—finding someone with an approach that gels with your needs can be positively life-changing.

In case you missed it, read this post about being your own worst enemy or your own best friend.

May the (love)force be with you.

(Artwork by Sarah Walton)

The Lights of Her Life: An Interview with Lauren Andrus

Family is often a tricky subject. Siblings, moms, dads, babies, daughters, sons, in-laws, stepchildren, stepparents, half-siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma and grandpa. Some are with us, some aren't. Some are parents, others aren't. Some are single, others are married, others are divorced. Some are irritating, others you can't get enough of. Some aren't related, but are family in every other possible way. No matter the amalgamation, it seems as if any time you group humans together in one way or another there's bound to be a bit, or perhaps an abundance, of chaos.

And the wild thing is, everyone experiences it differently. A friend of mine recently pointed out, "every member of a family belongs to a different family." It took a minute for the wheels to start turning with that one, but I found it fascinating once my brain gears clicked into place. Realities and perspectives differ from human to human, so of course our worlds would be perceived differently within family units. At Love Force, we want to capture all of that.

We're kicking off this series in one of the best ways we know how—some realtalk with momma-to-be (round two!) Lauren Andrus about the importance of sensitivity, some truths about parenthood, and at the end of the day, what makes her feel the most complete.

LF: You’re expecting a baby boy this July. What piece advice would you offer him about the life he’s about to begin?

This is hard for me to answer, I really don’t think there is one thing that I would tell him.  I try to take each day at a time and teach my kids to become strong, sensitive and kind. I want them to know that I will be there for them no matter what and love them more than they will ever be able to fathom. 

LF: You mention "strong, sensitive and kind"—why those three attributes in particular?

I think it's a balance. I want my children to be confident and decisive, and I also want to teach them that it's more important to be kind than to be right. I think it's a mistake when people equate strong and confident with being a jerk. And I don't think sensitivity is a weakness; it's so important to show emotion. I want to know what makes them happy, sad, upset, etc. I want them to feel comfortable communicating that with me.

LF: Would you talk more about the value you see in showing emotion and being able to communicate your feelings?

I see great responsibility in raising my children to make this world a better place. It's heartbreaking to see or hear about kids (and adults) that are being mean or bullying others. If I can do my part in teaching my kids to be both strong and sensitive, I think they'll have great influence in the world by modeling for others to be the same way.

LF: What has been challenging about parenthood?

In the beginning, it was so hard. I didn't think I could do it. Honestly, I don't think I expected to give my everything. I don't think I really understood what that meant before becoming a parent. It's indescribably selfless. When Park was first born I remember thinking, "Wait a minute, this isn't fun. This isn't enjoyable." The first few weeks were difficult, I truly wondered why people even did this. I was so used to doing anything and everything I wanted, whenever I wanted to do it. But now I wouldn't want it any other way. The good absolutely outweighs the bad. If Park is kicking and screaming and telling me he doesn't want to go inside the house, I'll be frustrated thinking I couldn't have a more stubborn child. But then a few hours later, he'll put his arms around me and rub my back and cuddle me. It's all completely worth it and I find that those moments give me patience for the tantrums.

I think it really just depends on where you're at as a parent. It definitely ebbs and flows. My friend said the other day, "You go to hell from a party real fast." For example, when my husband comes home from work, Park gets so excited. He calls his name and runs up to him to hug him and it's the absolute best. But then you're trying to put his shoes on to go outside and he starts screaming "No! No! No! No!" at you. And it's been such a long day and you're finally putting him to bed and he's drowsy and falling asleep in your arms and it's the sweetest thing. Sometimes I'll look at his monitor late at night and think, "Can I go wake him up?"

LF: So amidst the down times, the discouraging times, who or what helps you the most when you’re in a challenging period of your life?

I usually make a call to my sister. I know that I can call her and no matter how crazy or irrational my thoughts are, I know that she's there to listen and give me advice to help me.  I also go to the beach a lot, even if I’m just walking where I can see the ocean. It gives me the peace I need to get through life’s speed bumps.

LF: What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?

Being a mother, hands down. I struggled so much with where I wanted to be in life when I was younger, but when I first held Park in my arms my life felt complete. For me, there's no feeling like it.

Follow Lauren and her budding family at @lauren_andrus on Instagram for some guaranteed adorableness, and even more adorableness come late July. Congratulations on the plus one, Andrus family.